Dear 2009,
Hi. Today is the last day of your time to shine, literally, and I wanted to write you a simple little note to look back on the year 2009.
I’ve had a difficult time finding adjectives to adequately describe you because this year has meant a lot of different things to me. To profess 2009 as purely good or purely bad would be a mistake, one without appreciation of the also bad and also good parts, respectively. Perhaps I just hit upon my feelings for you, 2009, appreciative. I do appreciate you more than most of the years I’ve lived, for a large variety of reasons; No. 1 of which is learning how to truly appreciate.
2009, you will forever live in infamy, in my mind, as a fantastic mix of things both wonderful and awful, of things loving and hurtful, of memories I will keep tightly locked into my psyche in perpetuity and things I will lock away to be forgotten forever; some by choice, some not.
To provide a list of things in a top ten fashion would be making the mistake that all top ten lists make and that is to only mention things that come to my mind at this moment and are relative to me at this moment; thereby forgetting all of the top eleven to infinity things that happened to steer me towards or away from the top ten, whether I knew about them at the time or not. I do, however, want to mention a couple of things, that specifically have altered my mind, changed my heart, or revealed my self in such a way as to impact me for the foreseeable future.
Moving: I moved this year, one of the first things I did this year was to move. The physical act of moving was by no means taxing or trying or even very difficult; I had so little to move that I am still at work fill in the space I had created. No, moving took a far more emotional toll on me than I had anticipated. The space alone, moving from a too small too dusty too dark place with so much negative energy to a new space, clean untainted bright was so frightening because of the possibilities it engendered, is almost definitely the best present I have ever given to myself (and my self). I still feel, even today, the ramifications (yes, I am near tears) both the loss of the life lived in that old apartment and the gaining of new potential in the new one. My house, as it were, may not be in order and it may not be fully me, as of yet, but it is as me as I am aware of myself at this moment; and as I discover more about who I am I know that this new place will evolve along with me. In it I see the blank slate and potential that I feel my own life has.
Lori: 2009, you mark the potential end of the years-old 'Dayne and Lori Saga,' her words, not mine. Even now I cannot put into words the mixed bag of emotions triggered by even seeing that name. However, 2009, you have helped my apply perspective to the fantasy of the future self created simply by knowing her. The last time, as it were, may quite possibly be the last time ever. Part of me, obviously, still doesn’t want to put away the idea of her, of me with her, of us, but no longer am I living my life for that idea or should I say, ideal (See Moving above).
Myself (or my self): 2009, you are indisputably the year when I started paying more attention to my self in general than to my needs (read: whims) of the moment. During the past year I have explored more, felt more and shared more of myself than I knew could possibly exist. I have found more dark corners than I knew I had, more bright open spaces than I thought I was capable of and more courage to create…anything that I want. I asked a girl out (on the train of all places), I told another I felt a connection with her on the second date, I’ve shared both my shames and my triumphs with people I barely know, I’ve told others no of all things, I went to Lolla solo and met some fantastic people who didn’t shun me for doing so, I admitted my problems, sought out solutions and I asked for help from people. GASP.
To sum up: Thank You 2009. You sucked so bad I just wanted to fall asleep until next year; you were so wonderful and amazing that I didn’t want you to end; and you were so many times exactly right such that I could find a few more pieces of myself.