Crush is such a wonderful word. Not only is it the name of a wonderfully sickening orange drink, but it also means to break, pound, or grind; to overwhelm or oppress severely (as in a rebellion); to extract or obtain by pressing or squeezing; to defeat or humiliate utterly, as in argument or by a cruel remark; a decisive or critical moment or situation; to hug, especially with great force; to press upon, shove, or crowd. Lots of great uses for several different occasions. Then, when you put them all together, you get the most profound of all of the definitions: an intense but usually short-lived infatuation, a burning desire to be with someone. Sort of sounds like all of the other definitions pared down into one overwhelming emotion; which is what it is. I like defining words, especially emotions. I'm not great at taking what I'm feeling and putting it into words, which makes me want to seek out a word, check its definitions, scan through its synonyms and test its antonyms against the definition. You know, to really get a feeling for the word and verify that feeling matches up with the poor interpretation I've made of my own feelings. Crush is one word (one of many) that is readily identifiable when you see it and matches perfectly with the emotion it seeks to define.
I've been thinking about crushes more than usual lately (which isn't a whole lot), though I am only partly sure why. As anyone who has had any kind of crush on another individual can attest; every time you see what appears to be a crush, you smile and look fondly back on that time you had one yourself. It's a sort of mischievous sneer for me; for I know the devilry a crush or two has caused in my life. It's also an envious grin; who doesn't love the feeling of utter and complete loss of regard for the events surrounding you when you think of, see, smell, and hear the person of that intense desire.
I guess I've been missing out on that feeling, or any feeling associated with a connection to another individual in more than merely friendly terms. Lust is easy, I am male after all; love seems unattainable to me at this point both for lack of interest in the people around me and lack of interest from the people around me; care, consideration, connection and the like comes from a deeper commitment and understand than I am incapable and unwilling to pursue at the moment. Yet, the thought of that feeling; the unrelenting attraction to that person and the fantasy of a feeling of unconditional, indisputable desire for that person, such that life itself has no meaning without it, and the reckless abandon with which one pursues that person, has a certain tug on the heart strings of even a Grinch such as myself. Couple the above with the likelihood the ‘love’ is not reflected by the other person and perhaps that the pair in question is potentially a match not suitable to “social standards” or cannot possibly be together through simple misfortune and the hopeless romantic inside of me can’t help but scream in sheer joy. For the trials and tribulations we’ve all gone through have typically been, when all is said and done, worth the effort we’ve had to sink into them, especially where ‘love’ is concerned.
So, like I said, I miss it. Though I am not a child and I have left (some) childish things behind, the austerity measures I’ve placed upon my life these past 3 years have garnered an appreciation for the heart’s take-over embodied by the crush and have, though I hate to admit it to myself, also increased the compulsion I feel to be the object of (or the subject of) a crush of my own again.
That, however, is a story for another time.
Cheers