I've often been told, and somewhat agree with the statement that the Universe, god, budda, whatever, provides me with what I need at that particular time. Be it a person to tell me that I need a haircut, be it a cat who reminds me that petting a cat is at times soothing, be it a song that reminds me of who I am and where I'm from. Unfortunately no one tells me what this thing placed before me is for or why I need it, or when, if ever, this thing is going to be good for me. That's the trick I suppose, I cannot learn if someone just tells me the answers.
This week though, the Universe seems to be playing a joke on me crueler than ever before. I suppose I shouldn't call it a joke, because I sure as shit ain't laughing, instead I'll refer to it as a lesson I need to learn. Perhaps more than one.
I'm speaking, of course, of the past. More specifically, a person from the past, whom I thought I had, for the most part, put behind me whom I could get through a week, or a month, or perhaps more, with nary a thought, without a glimpse of a possible dream and more than anything without regretting the loss of the fantasy created around our lives together. When the time came to revisit this person I believed that this new and improved Dayne 3.5 had moved beyond the feelings, both good and bad, from the past and if ever our paths were to cross again those feelings would be less important, be less potent, be more manageable, and that Dayne 3.5 had evolved enough to maintain a sense of himself and not get rolled back to Dayne version 2.0 of yesteryears.
See, I've already learned one lesson, no matter how far the past seems behind me, or how far I believe I've travelled from it, those lingering feelings of love, those lingering doubts and insecurities and those fantasies surrounding this person are just close enough to render the term "Blast from the Past" a thermonuclear detonation in my heart, my head and my soul.
It seems as if I've just learned a second lesson, stemming from the previous post I made, that life doesn't move on for one that's standing still. Then I used it as a reference for the people around me making decisions and moving forward in their lives and my feeling like I've been standing still. But it also means that while I'm standing still I'm still standing in the same place considering the same outcomes of the failed past, standing in the same waters muddied by choices I had made. You don't shit where you sleep.
But what further lessons (I almost wrote lesions, take that Freud) can be garnered from having a conversation with a former (and I use that word carefully) love who thinks that I may contain the answer to problems that were in our relationship that she's having with her current. Not that I believe, necessarily, that the Universe wants me to HAVE this conversation, but it did present me with the CHOICE to do so and the choice, in and of itself or why I choose what I choose, could be the lesson gleaned from it. Yes, more so than having that conversation I know I don't want to have but am pretty sure I can handle. For it's not the easy circumstances in life that are the game-changers.
Cheers.