I've found myself all too oft complaining that women I see and or come across and or meet in various situations "Don't give me a chance". I was thinking about that a little the other day, while at lunch, and perhaps dependent upon my mood for the day, I thought I sounded a little bit whiny. Or Whine-y. Or both. Invariably getting turned down by someone out of hand makes me wonder what it is that is wrong with me and what I can do to make myself right. Then, of course, comes the rational, unhurt me that realizes that everyone has their own preferences and there's not necessarily anything wrong with me, but that silly bitch is missing out! Not in so many words, of course. Anywho, whilst sitting in the Dominick's, which has an upstairs seating area that sits about 400 miles up, I was able to get a birds-eye view of the interactions amongst humans. As it turns out, they don't give each other much notice, much less attention, at all. Clearly this underlying assumption that people don't pay attention to, or even less notice, me at all is taking all of this a little too personally.
Perhaps it is the lingering, and still quite potent, longing for outside approval has a lot to do with that, a lot more than I would like to admit. Perhaps I, in my frequent (very frequent) introspection and introversion, give off a bit of a "stay away" or "I'm much too busy" or "I'm not interested" vibe. Perhaps I am, in my mediocrity of charm and average of looks and slight of interest, not precisely notable. Or perhaps, more than perhaps, people live in their own little bubble and notice people way less than I think they notice people (other than me). It's strange, really, when I think back to the past I distinctly get the impression that I had a very "out of sight, out of mind" attitude about other people. If they weren't around, then they weren't thinking of me, thusly, I shouldn't think of them; and my mind moved to other concerns. Actually, now that I think about it that way, it really isn't particularly strange and it's quite apropos; if I don't think I warrant anyone thinking about me, especially those closest to me, while I'm not around, then why would I think that I warrant it when they're walking down the street with me. Isn't it lovely to be able to inextricably, and correctly, link things together that you had never thought of before. A few years of therapy can do wonders.
Little puts so fine a point on "not feeling good enough" like the dreaded "I'm alone and will be into and past the foreseeable future" days. Those times when being by myself seems not only unavoidable, but horrifying, and living that aloneness seems unbearable. Don't get me wrong, I've come to honestly accept and perhaps even appreciate myself enough that not getting married, or having children, or whatnot is a (likely) choice I have for myself and I am quite comfortable, dare I say, happy with that future. However, that does not mean those days stay away. Again, humans i.e., social creatures (and don't get me started on societal pressures in this regard) being what they are, tend to migrate together, to pair. Most days, I am perfectly happy (and you know how careful I am in using that word) with not "finding someone" whatever the fuck that means, because that's who I am right now, that's where I am right now, why fight it? It'll just make me miserable.
However, I'm still left with the core of the problem, or perhaps situational observation is a better description, of still requiring outside... approval, affection, attention, recognition (no word seems to fit)... to feel... worthy? Not that I think that goes away. We humans are social creatures, so some amount of outside reinforcement will always be required, but my past life (lives) as a ghost of a person, striving to only reflect that which others wanted of me and never really knowing myself have damaged my self-image and security enough to give outside impressions of me a little too much sway.
Ah well, it's comforting to know that I'll always have things to work on.
Cheers.