So instead of some stream of consciousness blatherings about how I feel today, or some diatribe about how I feel wronged, I have one small bone to be picked and one introspect.
The Bone: I try very very hard to not hate people. Actually, I try very very hard to like people, and to be friendly to people, and be considerate of them. Unfortunately, a lot of times, it seems as if I’m the only one doing so. Now whether or not this comes through because of the people I am forced to be around, my sensitivity to the issue, or because I just dislike people today and I want to be sitting in my apartment playing ME3 or something, I don’t know. What I do know is that I see, all too often, selfish, inconsiderate assholes everywhere I go.
The Introspect: I’m having a dilemma today. I look at facebook, see what these people are, presumably, doing; what they find important; what they want to, or do not want to, talk about; and how they respond to me and I can’t help but wonder: What kind of “friend”-ship do I have with these people? There are people who are worthwhile for me to visit their page and see what they had to say for that day, or week. There are people who I tend to comment on almost anything they say. There are people I rarely converse with. There are people I just have added and have never (and probably will never) say anything to them at all. There are people I’ve added just because I was being polite. And then there are people (exactly two of them) that I seem to only use as a sort of torture for myself. Yes they are exes and yes they are with someone else and yes seeing some of their comments feel like an ice pick shoved through my heart and yes on some level I want/need/desire those people to reinforce that part of me that thinks I’m not good enough or deserving enough for someone else. So what? I’m good friends with my inner demons, go judge someone else.
The last one there aside, I ask myself if this is how friendships are in real life. Seeing as I really don’t have any real life friends anymore, I really only have my past, and those friendships in it, as a baseline and based on that alone I’ve come to the conclusion that those above are how “relationships” or “friendships” are in real life. I suppose there are more than just the few I’ve listed about, but facebook is just an online extension of the real world, like the rest of the internet, so why wouldn’t the same rules apply?
What this really does for me is raise the question, is this what I want? Is this enough? I really don’t know the answer to that. My tendency is to say no, but I don’t know if that’s some form of social pressure telling me I need to “get out” and “do something”, or if it’s a real thing for me. Because, frankly, I believe that whole “travel the world and see things before you die” is a crock of shit if you have no interest in doing so; I’ve gone out and done things and seen parts of the world, and while it was fun, I don’t believe my life is “incomplete” or my experiences in general are “limited” if I don’t. I do what I want to do, not what people tell me I should do. Woah. Tirade anyone?
So I guess I get to spend the next however long it takes trying to figure out what, who, when, where, why and how I want friends. Welcome to the list. And I'll probably have two less "friends" tomorrow.
Cheers.