I have no business being in a relationship. Relationships require things, things I thought I could handle, things I thought I was capable of doing, seeing, saying, controlling, conveying, accepting; but I obviously am not.
I think I may have already spent so much time alone that I am unable to let anyone else in enough to allow any relationship to happen. This has been a fear of mine for a long time, something I've seen coming down Broadway and always thought it was something I could overcome once it got to me. I guess objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, it tapped me on the shoulder before I knew it was close enough. I used to love spending time alone. I appreciated the amount of Dayne time I got and was quite thankful for it. It gave me time to look at myself and re-evaluate what was important. It gave me time to go do what I want to do, when I wanted to do it, and relearn who I am. But now? Now I squirm. Now I am riddled with fear and doubt. Now I am stuck with myself and only myself and I'm sick of doing everything alone. Again I find myself walking through life hoping someone will see me, look at me, talk to me, ask me why I look so alone. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who can't even stand to be with themself?
Relationships require a certain amount of selflessness I don't have the stomach for. I can get by, for a time, without "getting" anything in return for the things I think I do but I am incapable of, and frankly uncomfortable with, not being selfish. Selfish isn't a bad word in my dictionary. I have to take care of myself, because a) at the end of the day I have to be able to live with/talk to/rely upon myself first, b) I've met few people trustworthy enough for it, and c) no one else is ultimately responsible for the job. I take great pride in my ability to take care of myself; it's one of my most self-redeeming qualities. At times, though, I feel as if I take it too far. For how am I ever to trust someone to take care of me if I never allow anyone to do so if the first place.