Driving makes for a good way to evaluate your life. And by your I mean mine. Interstate driving for a couple of hours is such a mundane, repetitive task that it splits of the portion of the brain required to do it leaving the rest of it to ponder life's little questions. The limited availability of distractions typically present in everyday life provides an atmosphere conducive to meaningful pondering.
I, without fail and within an hour, find myself firmly, solidly encapsulated in my own body, in touch with everything that's going on with it from my sore legs to my swelling feet to my creaky back to my usually hungry tummy to my numbed hand and fingertips to my squinty eyes.
Years of therapy teaches the best feeling, the best exploring, the best work comes from being rooted within your own body. The attachment to your own skin, the lack of distracting influences and the absence of embarrassing and/or shaming potential from other persons around makes for the perfect environment for feeling what you're feeling and figuring out what it means for you. That is if you have the wherewithal to do it at all.
Not that all of the answers come that way; I believe it mainly presents the right place to ask the correct questions and allows the feeling and, if you're lucky, the evaluation of those feelings in a very authentic way.
If I'm sharing, which I'm always doing better when writing to no one over speaking with someone, my heart is broken. I'm sad as fuck. I'm hella angry. And I have no idea what to do with myself.
My current inclination is to let those feelings push me farther down the slippery slope of depression, self-blame and punishment and allow myself to get stuck in the loop of trying to decide what to do next. Having the presence of mind to recognize it is a step in the right direction, if G.I. Joe taught me anything it's knowing is half of the battle, but knowing is only a step.
I've been driving for a while now and I don't think I'll get past this particular point before iti my destination. And that's okay for right now. The last couple of days have been a rush of intense and complex emotions and being able to evaluate, much less incorporate, them in any meaningful way is too lofty a goal. But I think I've successfully, if only preliminarily, explored and felt what's going on with me; I've recognized, at least partially, where I stand with it; and I've asked myself some of the correct questions I need to ask and answer going forward.
Not to mention I learned I can write an entire post while driving. Shhhh. Don't tell. I wonder what'll happen on my drive to Missouri tomorrow.