one cigarette

Smoking at face value feels like removing yourself from what's going on, the angst of the moment seems to melt away. However, it is quickly replaced by the worry of the rest of the moments.
One puff; one inhale, one exhale.
Removes being afraid of being late, being afraid of being found out. Removes the worry of not liking what I'm doing. What replaces it is worse. Silence, of being alone. Alone, always alone.
One puff; one inhale, one exhale.
This place really sucks. Why do I hate being here, why do I hate all of these people, why am I still here? I'm so bored and so anxious at the same time.
One puff; one inhale, one exhale.
Why do I still love her; how can I bring her back to me.
One puff; one inhale, one exhale.
She doesn't think of me, I don't want her really, I'm meant to be alone.
I tear up.
Quickly puff; inhale, exhale.
What if people find out I'm a fraud; when will they figure out I don't want to be here; I don't want to do this? I'm never going to find anyone who wants me again. Did anyone actually love me? Do I always have to be alone? Is there even a choice?
One puff; one inhale, one exhale.
I'll be okay, just another couple of hours left at work. Then I can go home. Two more cigarettes before I leave.
One puff; one inhale, one exhale.
Go home to what? More Alone. TV. Computer. Video Games. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one to call. Just more alone. No friends to see, no girl to love me, to love me.
I tear up.
One puff; one inhale, one exhale, this didn't last long.