loathing and fear
Monday, November 29, 2010 at 11:07AM Fear:
Ever been really afraid, and I mean really scared, not just jumping in your seat because that creepy Ring chick crawled out of the tv. I mean so afraid that you're unable to move, unable to speak, unable to think; frozen in inaction, stuck in time by fear. No you haven't and that's good, because you don't want that. Fear can be useful as a motivator, but it can also be used as chains to bind one from action; harmful action. And therein lies the true fear: hurting other people, destroying the universes of people whose lives I can touch.
Loathing:
Where does all of this fear of destruction come from? Past experiences. No, I didn't kill anyone, no, I didn't rape and plunder and wantonly destroy everything I touched; not literally. But after a lifetime of what I percieve to be nasty things done to good people for no reason other than I could at the time, or I thought I wanted it at the time, or through no thinking at all, I have grown to fear what I am capable of. I am afraid of what I can do to people and with that fear in mind I tend to not act where I would have before acted. This amoral animal capable of feeding itself through whatever means necessary without regard for the effects on others, granted is within all of us, has acted.
People are easy. They wear on their faces, in their eyes and through their words, all of the things the seek in the world, all of the expectations they have of it, the projections they place on it, the fears of the dangers they sense in it, the perceptions they have of it, the needs and wants they aim to fulfill from it. Through these people can be manipulated, they can be lied to, they can be deceived, they can be molded to fit the will and fulfill the desires of anyone who knows what to say to them, how to act around them.
And so I sit, in my 31st floor cave, huddled in a metaphorical mass staring blankly through windows onto a world with which the only connection I have is through my past. Struggling with my own worst enemy who seems intent on taking from the world, and the people in it, those things I can get out of manipulation of said people.
