indictment

You are the sort of person to burn bright early then fade quickly. -This isn't an exact quote but it's close enough to count. My first reaction? Why would someone say something like that? My second reaction? Yea, and what's your point? My third reaction? I used to be like that, but not anymore, or not much anymore, maybe. My fourth reaction? Has this been the entirety of my life without even recognizing it. Anyone else see four of the five stages in there? (I couldn't have made that up) Typically a line like this from someone that I kinda know I wouldn't take up a second (or third or fiftieth) thought, but there's something about it combined with the delivery and it's timing that's stuck in my craw. My answer was "I've been known to be like that" which is true, but as the days go by and I have more and more time to think about it I wonder if it's less rare than I had initially thought and if it's my state of being instead of a one- or two-off happenstance. 

It bothers me, and for good reasons; it means I'm a commitment-phobe, it means I only want surficial relationships with people and to quickly move onto the next, it means I don't care about anyone enough to make anything last longer, it means I get bored with people easily, and a myriad of other things. So I guess I have to ask myself one question right off of the bat, because everything follows from there: Am I okay with that? Let's back up, I don't see it as being a black-and-white 'bad' or 'good' thing. Some people are geared to be married and have 12 kids, some people are geared to be married and have no kids, some people are geared to have no relationships and some people are geared to be ships passing in the night, and all points in between. None of which are 'bad' or 'good' they just are, and as long as you are who you want to be and are happy with that (and you're not screwing anyone over in the process), it's really all that matters. As of yet I am unable to answer whether or not I'm happy with it. I know that it saddens me to a certain extent but I think most of that has to do with not wanting to be "that guy". "that guy" meaning that guy that women complain about, that's mocked in movies and tv and books and music; the non-commiter, the player, the asshole (unless it's played by Neil Patrick Harris). I don't want to be that guy but I think it's for the wrong reasons. I used to be able to see my future; being a great husband, being a great dad, etc., and I could see it clearly. However that vision of what I wanted isn't as clear as it once was. I'm unsure if that's where I want things to go, I'm unsure if that's who I want to be and I struggle with the unknowing daily. This in-between, murky neither-region is confusing, and doesn't suit me a whole lot; I can't go forward without feeling right about which road to choose and I can't go back feeling what I feel about that past. And then there's picking a road, going down it a few miles and hating it, requiring another reset on my life. 

Then there's another 5% of why it bothers me and that has to do with being quite transparent. This person has known me for about two weeks and while I'm more than a little thankful it came up this early (you know, you gotta get this crap out in the open), I'm scared that this is what I'm showing to the rest of the world; as in the steering clear of me I see women do on a regular basis is because I emit an aura of "I'll give you a month or two and it'll be fantastic but then I'll go away". Which again, isn't necessarily bad, but it's not the impression I want to leave on people without even having to speak to them. It terrifies me to realize that other people pick up the energy I leak into the universe and they then make decisions about me based upon that. I feel as if I already have enough strikes against me. 

So I suppose that question is to remain unanswered for now. I don't like it that I have to sit here and ponder it; however, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. Cheers.