in a non-gilded cage.

For how much longer will I make decisions and take actions that ensure I will be alone? Forever? It certainly seems that way. I subconsciously choose women whom I know will want to have nothing to do with me. I consistently spurn the ones who do want to have something to do with me. And at the outset of most relationships (meaning everything from simple friendships on up) I test their interest and their sincerity. 

Before today, I would have yelled at myself, beat my head against the wall, blamed the other person, or just shoved whatever feeling down into the deepest recesses available to me. Now, however, all I can do is feel sad. Sad for the little kid who, somehow along the way, learned that a relationship and closeness was not to be trusted and that anything to do with another person must only be surficial, emotionless, and easily dropped when too close or too uncomfortable. Sad for the young man who knew nothing of what it meant to be in a relationship and learned how to further repress whatever it was he was feeling and take everything that came his way as transient and temporary and live that day to day life of a ghost. Sad for the man, who has finally hit a brick wall of isolation, and found nearly every bit of his life lacking. 

This 34 year old has somehow finally become aware of the gaping whole in his life, his heart, and his soul. Points indeed for making that step. Yet even this knowledge does me no good, still blocking the attempts of others to get near, still protecting that kid from the perceived perils of the world, still practicing repression on a dangerous level and still quite alone. 

How much of this can a person stand? How much can a person hate himself? How long before I can hear those voices telling me to run away, to sabotage, to corrupt and pay them no mind; finally moving forward and making a life?

Cheers.