The 5 Stages of Migraine

Stage 1: Holy shit, is that my head? Is it hurting? I think it's hurting. That may be pain I'm feeling. Quick, get a lot of water, find something caffeinated, eat something, pop and excedrin. Wait, I have that medication the doctor gave me, what's it called Trix? Twix? Trexamine? Triox? Triceratops. That's it, Triceratops. Where did I put that? (Take Triceratops, if works go to Stage 4)

Stage 2: Crap, that didn't work. Pop more excedrin. Lose track of time, space, reality. Get more water. Find more caffeine. Eat something else. Turn off all lights. Close all blinds. Try to lie down to go to sleep. Nope, hurts head more. Find comfortable lounging position. Turn on TV, lower volume. Cover face with pillow. Throw up. 

Stage 3: Can't sleep. Eye twitchy. Rub sore eyes. Try to lie down. Hurts more. Throw up again. Pace endlessly. Try for an hour to re-acquire lounge position. Rub head until raw. Pray to the gods of Olympus, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Satan, Wicca for relief. Stare blankly at wall. Await death. Pass out from misery and pain.

Stage 4: Hung over. Confusion. Cotton mouth. Nausea. Achy head. Sore body. Empty stomach. Lack of motor function/balance. 

Stage 5: "Normalcy" Thank gods for intervention. Mourn loss of time. (Typically 1 week)