life's a dance

There comes a time in every relationship when you learn what it is that you do in/for the relationship. Be it friendships, be it family, be it coworkers, be it lovers. That moment when you realize your place in things, the other party (ies) place, and you can see the interaction between you and them; the dance.

I had thought that once I had become "healthier", older, wiser, more secure, more centered, more emotionally balanced, that my part of this dance wouldn't be so much a dance, of people competing for power in a struggle, but one of sharing the dance floor with the smooth, nearly effortless rhythm and flow of practiced partners, who share their power and own their parts and their stuff, making no excuses, making no feigns, only the straight-forward simplicity of the movement. But alas, I am not. For I am a human being, and I am driven by desires, by needs; compelled by my insecurities and my frailties; and fueled by my hopes and aspirations. We all play a part, it’s up to us to choose if we play ourselves, in whole, or if we play the pieces of us we think will make others love us.

I've danced a lot like this. Never before did I realize my part in those dances, because I didn't want to or couldn't see it. And that's unfortunate, because a lot of my relationships could have been better experiences all around. Not that I regret, because I just don't, that requires a certain morality I'm incapable of. I've played parts of myself; I've played whole other people; I've struggled for power when there was no need to; and I've just given up without cause, I've done them all. And I've paid a hefty price for it; the cost being having no one and nothing to show for 35 (almost 36) years of life.

And once we realize what role we’re playing (assuming that we do) we have to decide if that’s what we want for the rest of the life of the relationship. Because it will continue only if we choose it to. I suppose here I have to admit that it isn't purely a matter of choice; that we are creatures of our past and that our experiences help (whether conscious or not) dictate what we do, and where we go, in terms of relationships. But we cannot be creatures of habit alone, nor can we use that as an excuse as to how to live today. Admittedly, I love the dance; I love a good chase, my insecurities are drawn by someone who seems uninterested in me, my past compels me to seek out some things and ignore others, but I am also an intelligent being, capable of making decisions based not purely on the affections of my heart, the desires of my penis, or the thoughts of my brain, but decisions using all of these in concert. 

For what is a dance but a collaboration of rhythm (mind), passion (heart) and movement (body)?