legacy

Lately I've been contemplating the idea of legacy. It's probably inevitable that a person would think about what they leave behind once they've departed life, granted I've thought about it once or twice (or more) in my time; sometimes it's merely a question of messes I've made that would need to be cleaned up, sometimes it's a pondering of who would remember me and how I would be remembered (assuming someone is there to remember) once I've gone, and sometimes the sight of a dad doing something dad-like with his kids and the emotional longing of a missed opportunity. 

I've never been too concerned about having someone to carry on my name once I'm gone; I've had mixed feelings about children and having them my entire life. I suppose being in my thirties (and nearing the potential end of child-rearing age or finding a suitable mate with whom to rear a child) has made me think about it more than I used to. The biological pressure alone to procreate can be overbearing. For sure, this world has become far more accepting of people not wanting to have kids, but not so much as to allow a person to live without even subconscious pressure regarding children. Not that it is anyone's fault; society inadvertently puts pressures on individuals, especially those not conforming to the "norms".

Overall, I have perhaps gotten too used to being by myself and in the process of doing so I have decided that it's going to be that way forever. And by decided I mean I am afraid I may have talked myself into it, because I know how to live by myself, and as a way to punish myself for past deeds (or misdeeds), and out of fear of making that committment, and out of worry of screwing up. The obvious side-effect is me relinquishing my opportunity to have any children. I, of course, have thought about the options of adoption and/or finding a baby momma and I've even dated women who have children (and don't think I have forgotten about those college years when I thought it would a good idea to donate my sperm and cement the possibility of my children being all over the place). None of those speak to me in a way to "solve" the "problem" (I like using quotes to use words that I think are close to the actual words I want to use but can't think of those words). 

I had a point when I started writing this, but that point got lost somewhere along the way. Which isn't really surprising considering the emotional, psychological and intellectual disaster happening when I try to approach this topic. I guess I'll just be happy I was able to write anything.