the interview and the call

An interview is a scary proposition. Your career up until that point, and to a certain extent, your personal life is opened like a book and examined by someone else. Who knows what thoughts that other person has, what perceptions of your life and career their perspective has on it. That alone is scary enough, but the knowledge that they have a totally new future in their hands and the only control you have over it is how you represent yourself during the proceedings.

I'm fairly confident in my work life. I'm more than competent in the areas I've worked in, and have very little to worry where that is concerned. I have, however, been on a few job interviews in the last 6 months and have not been chosen for those positions. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure it's a good thing to ask, regardless, it did leave me with a sense of doubt in the whole process. Doubt about myself, doubt about my engineering abilities, doubt about my personality and my ability to portray myself. And there is little as dangerous as doubt.

There is, however, another reason why I'm scared, another nagging thought in the back of my head: I need to make the phone call. Assuming that she answers I need to ask her how she feels about my being there. I need to tell her that I'm coming down to move myself closer to her. I need to tell her that I need her and I want her. I need to ask her if my coming down is in any way a hindrance to her. I would love to be with her but i know there's the possibility I've ruined the chances at that. Either way, living next to a beach in the year round warm sun wouldn't bother me one bit, but I cannot in good conscience do this if it disrupts her.

And I'm scared.