the why and the why not

I had crafted a lengthy, and shall I say, glorious written summary of my woes and tribulations for posting yesterday and today but after having edited and re-edited it for grammar and consistency, I've decided it's trash. If I'm going to get any better, if I'm going to feel any better, if I'm going to change my outlook on my life, and/or my life in general, I'm going to have to do something different. Differently? Whichever one is correct. 

I went through the task of going back and reading most of what I've written over the last few years of this and trying to remember why I started and trying to examine the changes in the reasons overall as well as for each specific subject.

I've lost my way. 

Instead of writing as a effort to experiment with ways to actually first feel, then express emotions, everything I've written has become a bitch fest about me, my self, my situation, the people in my life, and a plea for attention for anyone who will listen and may, on the o-chance feel sorry for me; has become an effort to have a conversation with someone, anyone, and/or one person in particular, a conversation I won't have because I'm scared, or because I don't think I'm wanted, or because I don't really want to talk but just be heard by that anyone/everyone/one person. None of the therein included (nor the excluded) fucking matters. None of it does me any good, nor does it anyone else any good. Bitching just makes me feel worse, ranting just makes me feel worse, talking to no one makes me feel worse, and, not that anyone reads any of this, no one will ever take up the call for attention I put out when writing bitching/ranting/pity fests. 

So, I'm moving on. I'm doing something else. Until I can remember why I was here in the first place I have no business being here. Until I can write something that is actually helpful there's no sense in writing. Until I can figure out who I am and what I want there no reason to pretend to be anyone or ask for anything... for or from anyone.