so that's where i left that

In an attempt to both hate people less and be outside more, I've started to walk the last mile or so from work to home. The weather's been nice, so despite the sweating and panting and the dirty looks I get from people because I'm smoking and the incessant bump from my messenger bag slapping my ass (in just the way I like it), it isn't bad for a walk. Now typically when I'm walking home I get this nasty sense of foreboding, as if something bad is going to happen to me along the way; like running into an ex (or any other person I'd rather not talk to but kind of secretly want to talk to) or being accosted by a bum who somehow thinks I owe it to him (and myself) to give him some money, or (possibly the worst scenario possible) I am absolutely ignored, invisible, non-existent. As if I were one of those images you catch in the corner of your eye that when you turn to look at it isn't actually there.  

But Dayne, you say; being invisible is great, neh? Think of all of the trouble (and fun antics) you can get into with that sort of power, from pocket picking to bank robbing and seeing movies for free, not to mention girl locker room peeping. The goodness is unlimited. To that I say, "with great power comes great responsibility." I won't be using my powers for evil, simple enough.

However the other day I had a moment of clarity; an aha moment if you will. Walking around in my own little world, taking in the sights of people walking along the streets, people sitting in cafes eating and chatting, people taking their orders, people people people everywhere; I noticed something I've never really noticed before. People really don't pay much attention to the rest of the world around them. Not that they're oblivious mind you, but that they're wrapped up in their own lives, in their own goings-on. Whereas for as long as I can remember I've felt as if the rest of the world decided to not see me, to not notice me, to go out of their way to ignore me; I realized that they spend no energy doing so. Now you may think that would make someone as insecure as I feel even more insignificant but it had the opposite effect for once and has made me realize that I am the one who is looking at the world with the disdain I impress upon it and I am the person projecting onto them the invisibility I believe they see (or don't see) of me. 

This is what I like to refer to as a smack in the face of perceived reality. It really jolted me out of the lonely, depraved, ignored existence and into a sense of relieved freedom I can barely begin to describe. Now don't get me wrong, deep down I am still afraid of going outside and walking down the street and being judged and found lacking by everyone who happens to walk down the street and the hurt and loneliness that causes in me; but maybe, just maybe, I'll I'll be able to handle it for five minutes more today, and 10 minutes more tomorrow and etc.

Cheers