I'm not sure what I'm more upset about. That my grandpa is dying; that I don't know how to cope with it; that I so fiercely don't want to cope with it I thusly decided to put it away; that I'm 300 miles away and cannot and/or will not drop everything and just go to Evansville; or that I am so alone that I have 5, literally 5, people to talk to about it. Not that I want to talk about it, I don't want to discuss how much of a wreck I feel like; I don't want to discuss my inability to face unpleasant situations; I don't want to discuss the responsibilities I feel here versus going to Evansville for what may or may not be the last days to sit down there and feel just as helpless as I do here; and I sure as fuck don't want to talk about how utterly, hopelessly, shamefully alone I feel. What would I say? What would I expect the other person to say? No one can help me, no one can make me feel better, no one can do anything and I'd just feel guilty that I shit on their day. 

So where does that leave me? Writing a sad paragraph on the internet in lieu of punching a wall, crying so hard that I can't breathe, or rage-quitting everything, going home and crawling into bed. It's really not helping.