life moves, even if you don't.

There is nothing more damaging to my psyche than thinking of the people in my past (and present) and how they have moved on, without me, away from me, because of me; and how much better off they may be doing so. Yes, I was listening to Adele this morning and yes it made me depressed, so deal with it. If there's anything brushes with mortality shows anyone it's that life is a fleeting series of events; a hard fast marathon to the finish line and if you don't stop for water, i.e. friends, family, relationships, hobbies, and chocolate, then you'll probably die at mile 21.2 of exhaustive psychosis and totally alone. Wow, that running metaphor is awful. 

The point is, life is motion; physically, mentally and emotionally moving through time, ever changing, ever adapting, ever evolving. One has to be able to keep oneself in that motion or be left behind. Like I have. I stopped. I stopped moving, I stopped adapting, I stopped evolving. And here I am, left behind in the wake of life’s movement, trapped, circling, in the eddies of others’ progress.

I know I shouldn’t look back at my life and pine for the relationships of the past, the connections of days gone by or the loves lost (or, if we’re being honest, left), and, really, I’m not. But I am keenly aware of how people have managed to move forward while I have stayed standing still; watching from behind my “safe” concrete wall as everyone and everything passes me by. Like I don’t exist. Because, frankly, I don’t. And I’ve made it so I don’t. I have removed myself from the motion of life and therefore of human existence for no other reason than I am afraid of getting hurt. And what better way to not get hurt than hide in a little apartment, get a cat and watch tv about life? There ain’t one. FACT.

So what’s the answer? Well, there are two of them. 1) Move with life 2) Don’t move with life. Neither is “wrong”, neither is “bad”, neither is “good”; what’s really important is how one feels about the decision they’ve made. I, for one, have no idea which works for me; either is fucking awful for one reason or another as far as I’m concerned.