the why and the why not

I had crafted a lengthy, and shall I say, glorious written summary of my woes and tribulations for posting yesterday and today but after having edited and re-edited it for grammar and consistency, I've decided it's trash. If I'm going to get any better, if I'm going to feel any better, if I'm going to change my outlook on my life, and/or my life in general, I'm going to have to do something different. Differently? Whichever one is correct. 

I went through the task of going back and reading most of what I've written over the last few years of this and trying to remember why I started and trying to examine the changes in the reasons overall as well as for each specific subject.

I've lost my way. 

Instead of writing as a effort to experiment with ways to actually first feel, then express emotions, everything I've written has become a bitch fest about me, my self, my situation, the people in my life, and a plea for attention for anyone who will listen and may, on the o-chance feel sorry for me; has become an effort to have a conversation with someone, anyone, and/or one person in particular, a conversation I won't have because I'm scared, or because I don't think I'm wanted, or because I don't really want to talk but just be heard by that anyone/everyone/one person. None of the therein included (nor the excluded) fucking matters. None of it does me any good, nor does it anyone else any good. Bitching just makes me feel worse, ranting just makes me feel worse, talking to no one makes me feel worse, and, not that anyone reads any of this, no one will ever take up the call for attention I put out when writing bitching/ranting/pity fests. 

So, I'm moving on. I'm doing something else. Until I can remember why I was here in the first place I have no business being here. Until I can write something that is actually helpful there's no sense in writing. Until I can figure out who I am and what I want there no reason to pretend to be anyone or ask for anything... for or from anyone. 

the bright side

When one is trying to make changes in one's life, trying to make a new place for himself, trying to set out on a new path and trying create a better future, one has to maintain a certain amount of positivity, and in those times when the changes, the place, the path, the future hits bumps along the way that positivity requires a stubborn decisiveness that the outcome is in fact possible and needs only more, better work to obtain the wanted ends. Simply being positive can at times be the only thing keeping one on track.

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the silence

I wonder sometimes if I spend too much time by myself. I am well-practiced at being alone, I've done it (both successfully and not) for a large number of years; sometimes by choice and sometimes not. You learn how to do things by yourself; eating out, going to the movies, going shopping, going to conventions, going to weddings, going to family functions, going to concerts ... the last (read as both previous and final) time I went to Lollapalooza I went by myself and was questioned by a couple of millenials who thought I was a cop because I was there by myself, and then they went on to tell me how they couldn't do something like that by themselves, because validation I guess? because milennials? or because they're not losers? ... going and doing lots of things without any sort of companionship. I like to tell myself it's a good thing to learn how to do stuff by yourself, it somehow makes me a more self-reliant person. That's assuming I'm even semi-successfully doing it.

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being still

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is sit still. I don't mean sit down and watch TV, or sit down and play video games, or sit down and have anything to do, really, I mean to actually sit and be still. To be present, be aware of yourself, be aware of your feelings, be aware of your thoughts and, without getting distracted by any of it, just know yourself in a valuable, meaningful way. Good work happens when you know yourself.

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fury road

Driving makes for a good way to evaluate your life. And by your I mean mine. Interstate driving for a couple of hours is such a mundane, repetitive task that it splits of the portion of the brain required to do it leaving the rest of it to ponder life's little questions. The limited availability of distractions typically present in everyday life provides an atmosphere conducive to meaningful pondering.

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