Change is fucking awful. Humans are terrible at it; terrible at recognizing it, terrible at accepting it, resist it to the detriment of themselves and terrible at changing themselves when they have to, need to or even want to. I considered myself fairly decent at change, I lived in a new place every year or every other year, I was able to go in and out of relationships without too many difficulties and I could be quite flexible when it came to new and different situations. But those things aren't change; they're quite the opposite, or at least how I handled them wasn't change. I lived in a new place in an attempt to change something, anything about myself but never really made any personal shift; I lived in the same town, had the same job, had the same friends (read: zero) and kept all of my old stuff. Except for that one 6 month period that's a subject of many other stories. I never actually did any changing though, the crap I attempted to leave behind came with me. As far as relationships go I never really learned anything about myself or about other people and really just went through them, again with few exceptions, like I was changing my clothes. I never learned anything, I was never a better person for having gone through them, I was probably worse for the way I often treated people, and I went on to the next one in the hopes of relieving myself of the burden of loneliness without having looked at the root cause and done anything to change it.
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