companion

It's strange how missing a thing can make me rethink a thing. To take the whole left in my soul by the subtraction of another person and reshape it and remold it into an understandable, tangible problem. Somehow simply by making it into a graspable, defined thing the achy, bruised piece feels a little better. The real, useful, important part of being in a relationship with another person is not the avoidance of being alone, not the direction of energy into another person, not the periodic physical relief of sexual contact, but the companionship of another mind, body and soul not your own with whom to share the journey through life.

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ah. there you are

If you've taken the time and the effort to get to know yourself, and I mean really know yourself, know your ways, know your cycles. Not that recognizing those things means you have any chance of stopping, modifying or evading them in any way shape or form, but it at least lets you know what's happening, why and if there's anything to be done to make your way through it.

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indifference

Some days I just don't care. And by don't care I mean nothing really matters. And by nothing really matters I mean that things have mattered so much and I've felt so effected by them that all of the nerve endings in my body have dulled; the pleasure/pain receptors in my heart have become so overused to the point of being deadened; and the synapses in my brain registering the impulses of everyday life and guiding whether or not a decision matters in the least bit are now all switched off.

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moving on

I've never been particulary good about moving on. The end of most of my relationships has been me deciding I was done with something and ending it. Usually that involved a lot of self-punishing and guilt and regret after the fact. Followed immediately by a lot of distraction and none of the emotional moving on. While the former can be an excellent way to not bother with feeling any of the pain associated with that sort of loss, especially over the latter, it sure did make for one miserable, unhappy and unloveable guy. Yuck he was a mess.

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another trip around the sun..

Mortality is a fascinating thing. It's not something I normally think about because, frankly, I think I'm going to live until I don't live anymore and whatever happens after that I'll deal with as it comes. However, as they seem want to do, birthdays happen every year, and every year, I'm again faced with another year gone and a new one coming and the march forward.

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