life moves, even if you don't.

There is nothing more damaging to my psyche than thinking of the people in my past (and present) and how they have moved on, without me, away from me, because of me; and how much better off they may be doing so. Yes, I was listening to Adele this morning and yes it made me depressed, so deal with it. If there's anything brushes with mortality shows anyone it's that life is a fleeting series of events; a hard fast marathon to the finish line and if you don't stop for water, i.e. friends, family, relationships, hobbies, and chocolate, then you'll probably die at mile 21.2 of exhaustive psychosis and totally alone. Wow, that running metaphor is awful.

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I'm not sure what I'm more upset about. That my grandpa is dying; that I don't know how to cope with it; that I so fiercely don't want to cope with it I thusly decided to put it away; that I'm 300 miles away and cannot and/or will not drop everything and just go to Evansville; or that I am so alone that I have 5, literally 5, people to talk to about it. Not that I want to talk about it, I don't want to discuss how much of a wreck I feel like; I don't want to discuss my inability to face unpleasant situations; I don't want to discuss the responsibilities I feel here versus going to Evansville for what may or may not be the last days to sit down there and feel just as helpless as I do here; and I sure as fuck don't want to talk about how utterly, hopelessly, shamefully alone I feel. What would I say? What would I expect the other person to say? No one can help me, no one can make me feel better, no one can do anything and I'd just feel guilty that I shit on their day. 

So where does that leave me? Writing a sad paragraph on the internet in lieu of punching a wall, crying so hard that I can't breathe, or rage-quitting everything, going home and crawling into bed. It's really not helping.

the glass wall

Strange how I can go through most of my days and feel fine about who I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going and what I have; then, as if someone threw a wall in my face, I am hit with a sense of profound loneliness. I typically spend my days and nights on my own, with few people to call friends and even fewer to spend any time with; I am quite comfortable with being on my own. Until, that is, that wall falls directly in my path. And it feels like a wall too, a giant glass wall slamming down and trapping me, alone, however transparent to show me that the rest of the world exists, and quite happily, without me in it. Showing me that I am quite alone and reminding me that I am not always happy with it. 

Cheers.

let freedom ring

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

This is only the first two paragraphs of the Declaration, but these words describe a People; farmers, bankers, engineers, lawyers, butchers, cobblers, not too different from us, denied their basic rights. Rights of freedom, privacy, protection, justice, peace, and fair taxation, denied by an elite government far removed (physically, mentally and emotionally) from the people which it is supposed to protect. Sound familiar? It does to me. An elite government peopled by what has become a political caste, consistently removing itself and its morals, ethics and goals from the populace it has been charged with, denying all of the basic rights the People elected it to uphold to further its own power. Forgetting the oath it took, under the articles written by the People to discharge our will, and using our blood, sweat, tears and money to fill its vaults of tyranny. 

This is not a call to arms to rebel and put down those words written over two hundred years ago; this is a call to responsibility to those whom we have entrusted our care and to the People, to hold them accountable, and to remove from power those with other aims. 

Cheers.

escalation

You may need to deal with a difficult person today and, luckily, you have the necessary skills to safely protect your boundaries. But winning a border skirmish isn't enough; you must also behave in a kind and supportive manner. Your apparent nemesis might not be a real adversary now, unless you force him or her into the role by escalating a disagreement into a fight to the finish.

Dear horoscope, if you think I'm going to do anything that looks even remotely like confrontation you are soooo wrong. 

Source: Daily Horoscope